Big Weekend Recap:
1) Attempt to shampoo girl cat, get a paw full of claws stabbed in soft upper arm area; scream and attempt to dislodge cat with minimal removal of flesh; fail and give up.
2) Attempt to shampoo boy cat, get a giant claw in the forehead; scream and accidentally scare cat into submission.
3) Waste far too much time watching Pimp My Ride on MTV; wonder when Music Television stopped showing music videos.
4) Mop bathroom floor twice; scold all men in house at the time and tell them to aim better; dismiss their pathetic pleas of innocence; notice toilet leaks at floor level upon each flush; groan and go to store for new wax ring; remove commode, notice toilet bolts are rusted, return to store; come home to discover neighbor kid has used commode, even though it isn’t “in the right place” and isn’t connected; swear under breath and wish a liquor store were within walking distance.
1) Go to Mass and daydream about a new screen door that won’t slam shut; wonder why people who don’t sing still open up the music book and follow along; look through purse and slap forehead in realization that Church Offering Envelope is on the dining room table; wince as forehead radiates pain throughout entire head.
2) Go hiking with two other people; point out poison ivy and poison oak all along trail; discover no one else in group ever took a map skills class and take over orienteering before everyone drops off the Palisades cliffs into the river; check pedometer after hike and hope that today’s 14,351 steps counts towards lack of so many steps Saturday.
3) Eat at the all-you-can-eat sushi buffet; consider photographing waiter’s hairy chin mole; decide it’s too unappetizing a sight.
4) Shop for a new screen door at Lowe’s; ascertain that all doors in stock are too short for house; attempt to get help from Door guy without success; wander in to refrigerator department and get unwanted help from two Fridge guys; purchase new handheld showerhead with eight fabulous massage settings; plan for a relaxing evening.