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Old mails to CK:

1) The next time The Angry Old Woman calls me asking why her e-mail doesn’t work, I’m going to send her this haiku:

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is�down.

2) If your daughter(s) drink too much, it is probably best to avoid lecturing when (if) they get back home. After all, it will inevitably lead to the typical teenage comeback “Well, at least I didn’t KILL my boyfriend while driving drunk like you did, Mother!” What mother hasn’t dreaded those very words?

3) The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.� Please use the back door.

4) I have to go to a fancy dress party at Spindletop next Friday. What should I wear? Not jeans, I guess. Do you think I should flop off to the thrift store and get something in basic black and be done with all the agony?

Oh, and I was invited to a 50th birthday/garden party for Nancy, who lives up the street. That’s next Saturday. I think that’s a dressy shorts or sundress sort of party, don’t you think? Barbecue and martinis.

And you said I was avoidant.

5) Since you’re writing that story, can you try to have my character work in the phrase “Waacher di thart fer, ya mad farka!” in some part of the dialog?

6) I can’t have coffee with Ewan McGregor because I’d frighten him with the drool and speechlessness… I would be such a boring person afterwards. Talking about meeting him would be my only topic of conversation when I met new people… I’d be like that “I lowered my cholesterol” guy on TV.

7) January information – Tomorrow is national clean off your desk day.�Please do your part for efficient Computer Store operations!

Here are some other important days for your weekly planning:

13- Blame Somebody Else Day
14- National Dress Up Your Pet Day
15- National Fresh Squeezed Juice Day
16- National Nothing Day
16- International Hot & Spicy Food Day
17- Hat Day Third Friday in January

Thanks for your attention.

8) Your Valentine’s Day Card:

I see your face when I am dreaming,
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “go to hell”.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

9) IBM now calls their transfer of ownership “ServicePacs”. Their e-mail to me states that our loss of their ServicePacs is a “huge liability on IBM’s part”. They are treating it like someone stole a pre-paid phone card that had already been activated. It would seem that they would have a method in place that would recognize the “lost” numbers should someone off the street decide to register their POS ThinkPad so IBM could deny the registration. Crazy IBM jackasses.

10) I just mailed this to The Boss, since he’s in that important meeting: “Just now, there was a man out at the desk trying to deliver a Big Bowl of Whiskey to you…but since your door was closed and you didn’t want to be disturbed, I sent him away.”

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