Monthly Archives: March 2006

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Today Wage stands in solidarity with his fellow workers in their celebration of Cesar Chavez Day.

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My new dentist is quite chatty. After she loaded me up with syringe after syringe of Novocaine, she said, “I set my cat on fire once.” I thought for sure that the meds had numbed my brain. I asked, “On purpose?”

“No, it was an accident”, she said. “What happened was that I’d lit a candle and put it on the dining room table and then the cat jumped up on the table and her belly was right over the flame so I told her not to move, but she did and her fur just went ‘whoosh!’ and I thought, ‘OMG! Fireball!’ and I thought for sure that the cat would leap on to the curtains and set them on fire and my whole house would burn down and I’d have to try to explain to insurance company and they’d never believe me but then the cat jumped down to the floor and she stopped, dropped and rolled on the carpet and put herself out.”

“Wow!” says I.

“And right after that, my mother called and she’d lived all her life in Santa Monica but when my father retired, he moved them to North Carolina and my mother is always, ‘I have to drive to Raleigh to buy anything of value’ and my father is loving it because he can play golf every day and she called to ask for the love of God, could I please buy her a proper bathroom faucet and ship it to her and I asked if she can’t just buy a faucet in Raleigh and she said not any that you’d want in your bathroom.”

“That’s probably true…”

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It’s like what Kentucky is to chickens.

– Ali G

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I knew that restaurants in Los Angeles were entertainment-industry-centric, but MAN!

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I put this in my cart at the grocery, but later took it out and put it back on the shelf. Now I regret my decision not to buy the giant pink stuffed Peep. It SHALL be in my cart this Saturday.

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At work this morning:

Hysterical Co-Worker: It’s too cold to work in my office.

Me: Did you call the building operator?

HCW: Yeah, he’s in there now. I don’t even see how HE can work in there. It’s just freezing.

Me: Don’t you have a space heater?

HCW: Why should I have to use a space heater in my own office? The building should provide me with heat for my office.

Building Operator: Well, I’ve discovered the problem. And I double checked the office temperature and it’s 70 degrees.

Me: …

HCW: What’s the problem? Why is it so cold in there?

Building Operator: You had the thermostat set to 55, so the A/C has been running at full blast since whenever you did that.

HCW: Are you going to replace the thermostat?

Building Operator: …

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Brian: What’s white and can go from nought to sixty in five seconds?

MS: What did you say?

Brian: What’s white and can go from nought to sixty in five seconds?

MS: Nought?

Brian: Nought.

MS: What’s a nought?

Brian: Zero.

MS: …

Brian: What’s white and can go from nought to sixty in five seconds?

MS: Nought?

Brian: Never mind. Joke killer.

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Today I went with some friends to Pacific Park. We decided to take the Big Blue Bus.

We stood for awhile outside the Venice Post Office while our driver had a break. It was then that I regretted not wearing a sweater, because the wind was howling. Our driver finally mosied on back to the bus and several people rushed the doors ahead of our group. The first two people must’ve talked to the driver for ten minutes about how to get wherever they were going, but they finally sat down. My group boarded and my friend decided to reenact his scene from the movie Speed.

All of his scenes ended up on the cutting room floor. Check the extended version on the DVD.

We zoomed down Main Street and quickly arrived at our stop.

I wonder if this is the very same magic clam that rescued Miles “Chatterbox” Musket from the sea and helped him build the city of Quahog.

My friend was bummed to find out he didn’t make the cut off.

But then he discovered that we all wanted to ride the ferris wheel together anyway.

I caught him digging the ride once or twice.

Save Ferris!