Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum?!

This morning I had to take a pre-employment drug test for this new job I’m hoping to get. I told the pee lady that I had taken Claritin and ibuprofen in the last 24 hours, and that I hoped that wasn’t a combination known to transform itself into something illegal in the urine stream. The paperwork said that the pee lady had to read the temperature of the specimen within four minutes, and that if it was out of the specified range, you automatically failed. I left the ziplock baggie inside my boot.

Next, I had to take a Reid London House test to determine my moral integrity and customer service skilz. Several questions were no-brainers. For example:

Q: In the last three years, what was the dollar value of items you have stolen from your workplace? Do not count minor office supplies.

A: About six million dollars less than what the director of the computer store was arrested for stealing.

Q: Mary clocked out for lunch. On her way out of the store, a customer asked her for help. Mary reached in to her purse and pepper-sprayed the customer. Mary’s boss found out about the incident and docked her a week’s pay. Was Mary’s boss right?

A: Absolutely not. Mary should have been rewarded with a week’s pay and employee-of-the-month parking.

Q: Brenda is a flight attendant. On her final walkthrough of the plane, she finds a woman’s make-up case. Brenda wants to go home, rather than fill out the paperwork required to return the case to the proper passenger, so she leaves the case behind. Did Brenda do the right thing?

A: No. Brenda should have taken the make-up case home to her boyfriend.

While I was in my interview, Sheila from the Hertz Corporation called for Norm. She wants him to call her back at 1-800-544-1514 x6439 and to reference rental record number 541924865.


4 responses to “Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum?!

  1. Here’s hoping you get the job. God knows you did everything right on the pre-screening! *snicker*

  2. The Almighty Cuthulu

    You just cost me 6 million dollars. The Almighty Cuthulu has spoken.

  3. Do you want the job?

  4. “Brenda should have taken the make-up case home to her boyfriend.”

    Is this about me?

    It is, isn’t it?

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