Monthly Archives: June 2007

Do you have a bicycle pump so I can blow up your Grandma?

This may well become a regular feature, but for now, I present PART TWO of:

If you were fifteen-years old, how would you prefer to die of embarrassment?

1) Because your mother walked out of the Dean of Students office carrying the belt made of rifle bullets you had been wearing at school until the authorities noticed it and told you to remove it, and she passed right in front of all your friends.

2) Because your mother asked your waiter at P.F. Chang’s if his own butt or a stunt butt was used during the filming of Seraphim Falls, and she was heard by everyone in the restaurant.

3) Because your grandmother bought you a plane ticket to visit her, but she told the airline that you were thirteen-years old, so the ticket agent gave you a very large fluorescent “Unaccompanied Minor” sticker to wear on your chest while your personal escort walked you past everyone in the airport.

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She’s the kind of girl you bring home to Mother… if Mother is a cigaretty, retired hooker

I was thinking of Ganching’s comment that my next foreign visit should be to Norn Iron. Alas, there are at least two existing reasons that prevent my travel to that exotic locale.

1) My apprehension that I will be unable to understand the speech of the native peoples.

2) My apprehension that I will be unable to locate a shop that sells Cuban cigars.

These are the deciding factors that figure in to all of my foreign travel considerations.

Also, I have no six-foot inflatable penis to carry around as I walk through the Derry City Centre. I’d feel so awkward and out of place!

Best just to keep saving my money for that trip to Budapest.

Well, I could have sworn we parked on level C next to the – OH SH*T!!

I have officially broken the first rule of Pimp My Ride: Never use any kind of TAPE in order to hold things together on your car’s exterior.

Even if I have clear packing tape on my car to keep the side light from flying off and decapitating someone walking down the sidewalk (alternatively, flying off on the freeway and smashing through someone’s windshield, thus causing decapitation), the good news is that I have four new (and matching!) tires.

When I picked up the car at the Firestone at closing time, I asked if they’d found anything else wrong with the car during their free 783-point check. They said no. I was stunned. Flabbergasted would not be too strong a word to use in order to explain my incredulousnessity. My flabber has never been so gasted. Surely they would tell me about the bad CV boots or something?

Personally, I think they just wanted to get out of the building because of that big warehouse fire four blocks away that had erupted an hour before. Talk about your billowing smoke!

I may write a letter to Firestone. I’m a bit indignant that they didn’t try to upsell me a lot of unnecessary repair work. If all mechanics become trustworthy… it surely has to be one of the signs of the Apocalypse.

A stranger comes to town, touches nobody’s life, and leaves

Once again, I have visited a foreign country where Cuban cigars are sold, and once again, I’ve blown an opportunity to smuggle a box of them home. All the travel brochures warn that US customs officials will sieze the cigars at the border, but no one has ever bothered to check my bag for anything besides weapons and/or ammunition.

But I digress. On a day like any other, Minimum Wage and I set out for San Ysidro and the world’s busiest land border crossing. I accidentally passed the parking lot and drove a few blocks away to turn around at a shopping center. I stuffed my mini-backpack with our passports, the car keys and three cans of Diet Mountain Dew. I considered bringing more of the Dew, in case we were apprehended by police and forced to spend the night in jail.

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore

We walked across the street and through the big amusement park turnstiles. That was it! We were in Tijuana!

This is me in front of the Mexi Company sign

There is so much stuff for sale between those turnstiles and El Arco on the Avenida Revolucion. I’d heard that the shops and booths would have men standing outside, encouraging you to buy from their particular stand. I wasn’t prepared for *every single one* of the men stopping me as I walked by. I tried walking behind groups of people, so that they would get the hit. I also tried walking in the middle of the Avenida. Neither method was successful. Even if I avoided the shopkeepers, there were random men selling silver necklaces and they walked through the crowd. Those silver necklaces were $30 each when I arrived, but two for $10 by the time I left.

It wasn’t all shopkeeper avoidance, though. Minimum Wage got to ride a Tijuana zebra.

My new friend, Ruben, the Tijuana zebra

And we ate at a place that sold the best iced tea EVER. After two years of never being able to order “sweet tea”, it was quite unexpected to find a glass of tea sweetened with a sugar and lemon syrup. It wasn’t the fake Splenda sugar that takes like sugar because it’s made from sugar, but actual sugar that was made from sugar.

See if you can order more of that avacado stuff

We skipped the free rides on the mechanical bull and the free shots of tequila that all the other places were offering. Not that I’m not up for those sorts of things, but I was convinced that I was going to be abducted and dismembered before I could get back across the border. I secured my purchases in my bag, fought off the final Vicodin salesman and crossed the bridge to the hour-long pedestrian line. Minimum Wage was concerned that he was going to fade in the sun. I was concerned that I would end up as red as he.

If I stand out in the sun any longer, I'll be as faded as Hi-De-Ho Wage

The customs man asked if I’d bought anything back from Mexico. I said yes and opened my bag. He waved me off and said, “I don’t need to see it. Just tell me what you bought.” I said, “Little Mexican hats” and he returned my passport and told me to move along. I could have had a bag full of cigars! I could have had more than 200 cigarettes or more than a quart of tequila! Where’s my border security?!

Upon returning to the car and finding it hadn’t been vandalized, we decided to visit “the outlet mall”, only, we weren’t sure where it was. Something about “off the 5”. I couldn’t make a left turn out of the parking lot, so I took a right and drove a few blocks away to turn around at the shopping center from earlier. I then managed to drive away from the northbound 5 ramp and merged on to the 805 instead. After passing Chula Vista and making a lifeline call to Home Base, it was confirmed that I was too far north and needed to get on the 5.

Forty miles later, it was a bit ill-making to find out that “the outlet mall” was that very shopping center I’d already turned around in twice. Plus, now I had to look for a parking space. That funny t-shirt from the Hot Topic Outlet store made up for it, though.

Tremble as they carefully set their trip odometers

I’m not sure who thought it would be a good idea to leave wax items in the back seat of the car. Had I known the crayons were there, I could’ve either removed them OR looked for a covered parking space (more likely).

Why I can never sell my car

Where do baby gorillas sleep?

This has got to be the sourest plum in the history of fruit.

Hey lady, you forget to tell me where the… OH MY GOD!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve had like, seventeen possible posts I could have written. They were funny, insightful, etc., unlike the usual first-draft stuff y’all get. But because I didn’t write them down anywhere, the ideas have been lost in the vapors. Occasionally, I’ll get a brief glimpse into the memory cabinet where these things are stored (next to that jar of vapors), but they’re never as funny as the first time. Which describes most of my posts, I think.

Herein are Things I Was Going To Tell You Before I Lost My Mind:

1) About the time on Bagel Friday when they ran out of cream cheese and I decided to use the tub of green spread because I thought it was Benedictine. It turned out to be chive cream cheese and it contaminated my sesame seed bagel.

2) About the time a lady in the office burned her toast to an absolutely blackened crisp and I later saw her *heating it up in the microwave* because “it had gotten cold”.

3) About the time I called the Help Desk.

4) About the time I called CK to tell her I’d heard something funny on the radio and that I wanted to share it with her. She asked what it was and I told her that on Jonesy’s Jukebox, he’d had someone like Billy Squier on and they were chatting and the other guy asked Jonesy, “What’s your favorite month of the year?” and Jonesy said, “Hmmm… I’d have to say January” and the other guy asked why and Jonesy said, “Because that’s when it starts to warm up again”. And then CK screamed some obscenities at me and slammed the receiver against the wall a few times.

5) About that Derry Journal article and the group of drunken women carrying an inflatable penis.

6) About that time I thought up some funny stuff to write, but then promptly forgot it all.

7)

Little winged potatoes

Me: Hey, check out this crossword puzzle clue for a five-letter word. It says, “From Cork, etc.”

Brian: Is the answer S-P-I-D-E?

Me: …

Brian: Hahaha! You should blog that!!

Me: This is one of the many reasons I no longer have any readers.