Monthly Archives: July 2007

I’ve just come to see what you’ve done with all the grant mon– OH, MY GOD!!!!

This sign made me laugh and laugh tonight:

Ye Olde ATM

We went inside the store and Brian was excited to find Lifebuoy soap for sale. He said that his parents stopped sending it in care packages and claimed that the soap had gone out of production. Tonight is bath night for the first time since 1999.



Hey,you’re giving away the plot

We went to see The Simpsons Movie on opening day. The whole place was packed. The audience laughed and clapped throughout the film, because it was just that good.

Early on, there was a scene with President Schwarzenegger. He was inspecting a pink, mutant squirrel that had been taken from the lake in Springfield. It had multiple eyes and was drooling everywhere. The squirrel, not the lake.

When he said, “Ach! All those eyes and gnashing teeth. It’s like Christmas at the Kennedy Compound!” the ENTIRE theater was silent. Except for me. A “ha-ha” worthy of Nelson escaped from my mouth in to the void. It occurred to me that I was sitting inside a theater full of A) democrats and/or B) young people.

Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?

Tonight at Westside Pavilion:

Brian: Dustin Hoffman is standing behind you on the escalator.

Me: !!!

Brian: Stay calm.

Me: Can I wave? Can I wave? Can I wave? Can I make eye contact? I’m supposed to let him shop at the mall like regular people, right?

Brian: I wouldn’t wave.

Me: {waves}

Ironing can be deadly

We went to see Inland Empire by David Lynch on Thursday night and it has taken me three days to sort out why the rabbit family was involved. There was a opossum in my parking space in the morning when I went to work. I worried that I had run it over, but it didn’t seem flattened. We already had bags full of cut-up pictures from magazines, so he decided to decoupage the desk from the alley. Laura Dern was great. She was either a rich lady who was an actress, or not, or a white trash lady with a Polish husband, or not, or a hooker who gets shanked with a screwdriver. Or all of the above. When I checked later, he had covered the surface with a lot of bosoms. He seemed scared, and had been sitting in the same spot for over five hours. Glue was everywhere. I still don’t understand how everyone else “knew” that guy was a psychiatrist/therapist. I put on some gloves and picked him up, but the wind closed the gate and I was locked out. We still need polyurethane. The whole 2001 – A Space Odyssey sequence in her living room was fantastic. I liked that part. I wanted to make a chocolate meringue pie, and in the process, was almost forced to call my mother when I couldn’t remember if the whole pie gets baked or just broiled. He snuggled under the bush and I left him a ripe grape so he’d have something to eat when he awoke. He’s been picking glue off his skin all day. Look at me, and tell me if you’ve known me before.

Two halves, please

So, did Betty win the jitterbug contest?

Get a bunch of women together and it’s either witchery or a Tupperware shower

Last night on the Third Street Promenade, there were huge lines at both Barnes & Noble and Borders. All the line standers were waiting for midnight, so they could buy their copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, of course. Instead of queueing up with the rest of the herd, I went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix at the 7:10 PM showing, got home by 10:30 PM, read the Book 7 plot summary online, then slept until noon – at which time I was awakened by a knock at the door. The mail lady handed me my preordered copy so that I can confirm or disconfirm the internet spoilers at my leisure.

The Owl Service

Let’s take you back to the days when DDT was safe!

A guy in the office just got back from a weeklong trip to Cincinnati. It was one of those in-law-wedding deals, so it wasn’t exactly a vacation for him, even if he did get to eat his fill of Skyline Chili and Graeter’s ice cream. Since it was an in-law-wedding deal, his wife made him get his hair cut and his eyebrows trimmed. He also told me how his wife printed out the Mapquest directions to the airport and how they weren’t the actual directions to the airport and how they had to ask one of the locals how to get to the airport.

I was reminded of this joke from my childhood:

A farmer was sitting on his porch when  a city car pulled in to his driveway. You could tell it was a city car because all the winders was rolled up to keep in the air conditioning. The driver got out of the car and hollered, “Say, old man! How do you get to Louisville from here?”

The farmer looked at the driver, reached in to the pocket of his overalls and got himself a fresh chaw of tobacco. Then he stood up, slowly descended the porch steps and walked over to the city car. He looked the driver square in the eye and said, “Well…. most times, my son-in-law takes me!”


While we were going to Paco’s Tacos to pick up lunch for the rest of the office people, he told me they’d visited the Louisville Slugger museum and gotten their free souvenir Bat of Wrath. Back in my day, they’d give those out to children on school field trips. The bus trip back to the school always ended in all the bats getting confiscated after someone got hit in the face. Or maybe that was just MY experience…

We got this bill from Winchell’s. It’s in to six digits, so you have to sign off.

The recurring feature you’ve all been waiting for – PART THREE of:

If you were sixteen-years old, how would you prefer to die of embarrassment?

1) Because your mother keeps posting this feature in front of everyone on the internet.

2) Because your grandmother took you shopping for clothes, but wouldn’t buy you anything black and/or studded and/or from Hot Topic, and then she had the nerve to suggest that you might try wearing something more ladylike, which she said in a voice loud enough to be heard by everyone in the store.

3) Because when the police told you to stop and you didn’t, they chased you down, tackled you in the middle of the street, handcuffed you and when they brought you home in the back of patrol car, your mother gave you THAT LOOK in front of all the neighbors.

Well, listen Mister – someday, there’s going to be a flying rocketeer behind you who’s going to shoot back

Today was just chock full of disappointment.

Five new temps started, so I had to put up with a lot of nervous people milling around pretending to work. None of them offered to go get breakfast, lunch, coffee or ice cream for the boss – or me! I set up a spreadsheet to track my parimutuel system. Win, place, show, exacta and superfecta bets will be accepted c/o my In Box.

While I was waiting at a red light, I saw a station wagon pull out of a gas station parking lot and into the path of a large truck. Both drivers slammed on their brakes and a collision was averted. But the truck driver felt like altercating. I turned down the radio and rolled down the window to get a better view of the inevitable fisticuffs.

Truck: You sonofabitch! Why don’t you watch where you’re going?
Station Wagon: {gives truck driver “the finger”}
Truck: Dammit! {gets out of truck and strides over to station wagon driver’s window}
Station Wagon: {fumbles with window but manages to close it in time}
Truck: I’mo fuck you up!
Station Wagon: {opens cell phone and dials a number}
Truck: {walks around to open passenger window} I’mo fuck you up!!
Station Wagon: {blows cigarette smoke at truck driver while closing passenger window}
Truck: I’mo fuck you up!!!!
Station Wagon: {gives truck driver “the finger”}
Truck: {shakes fist}

And that was it! I sat through three green lights and there was a complete absence of anyone getting fucked up. What’s this world coming to when you can’t even be assured of seeing a random street beating and/or shanking during your drive home from work?

I’d have taken an exacta bet with the truck driver to win.