Monthly Archives: September 2007

IMDB Starmeter

Brian’s STARmeter is up 127% since last week.


Brian’s Celebrity Dreams – Part 1 in an occasional series

I dreamt I was watching Barry Norman (wearing a black pin-stripe suit and a white turtleneck) review a Russian film. He explained that it was set in a strange village by a lake and concerned the impact on the villagers of the arrival of a mysterious stranger from the outside world.

Then he showed a clip: the lake was enormous and near the shore were the remains of many sunken ships – only the tops of the masts were visible. Totally impossible, because ships that size could never get so close to the shore – never mind the unlikelihood of their getting into a lake in the first place… A woman from the village was talking to the stranger; she explained that once, a long time ago, the village leader had swum further out than anybody had ever swum before….and was not seen again until his body washed up on the shore two weeks later….

Brian’s Words of Wisdom for the Day

Sometimes a bleeding chicken is just a bleeding chicken.

HQ, my hat looks like a muffin, over.

At the Police Station – Missing Persons Desk

Officer: And, starting from the top down, can you describe what she’s wearing?

Me: She’s wearing a brown hat and…

Officer: What kind of hat?

Me: A knit one.

Officer: A knit hat? What does that look like?

Me: You know… it’s knit and you can roll it down like this or roll it up. Jack Nicholson wore one in that One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest movie.

Officer: I still don’t know what you mean.

Me: It’s a toboggan.

Officer: …

Me: …

Officer: A what??

Me: A toboggan.

Officer: I have NEVER heard of a hat called a toboggan.

Me: That’s what it is.

Officer {pulls out diagram of hat styles}: Is it this?

Me: Yes! That’s the hat!

Officer: That’s a beanie.

Me: Isn’t a beanie one of those hats with a propeller on top?

Officer: …

You wanna go home and play? I got a box of men…

It’s not every day a person receives a ten-fold Wage increase.

A ten-fold Wage increase!

Hey, you can see Aaron Spelling’s house from here.

I must have a kind face, because the next thing I know, this young woman in an Acura drove up beside me as I was walking. She rolled down her passenger side window (with the electric button, not with a hand crank) and called me over.

You know how I am about that. I won’t stick my head in the car because I don’t need to be decapitated when she accidentally puts her elbow on the automatic window roll-up button. So I politely sort of keep walking and she inches her car forward a bit and says loudly, “Can you help me?”

Well, I’m a sucker for THAT old line. From the safety of the sidewalk, I look inside her car and say sure.

She says, “Can you tell me how to get to the MTV music library?”

I say, “You must be mistaken. MTV has nothing to do with music. They’d have no reason to own a MUSIC LIBRARY.”

You owe me 50 bucks for the door

I have this house policy where I don’t open the door to anyone unless I know who it is. And by this, I mean that someone is expected. And by this, I mean that someone has let me know in advance, via phone, text message, e-mail, letter or carrier pigeon that they are going to be at my house around a certain hour on a particular day. All those other folks can go on knocking, because I’m not getting up to answer the call, only to be run over by home invaders or pamphleteering religious fanatics.

It turns out that the police think my policy is sound. Only they don’t think it should apply to THEM. When they’re standing outside your bedroom window at 4 in the morning, shining their Hollywood-Premier-Strength-Floodlight in to your window, all the while yelling “POLICE! OPEN UP!”, well, they expect you to *answer the door*.

Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room…

After our usual round of chicken fried rice at PF Chang’s Friday night, we headed over to Magicopolis for the 8 PM show. Marukan couldn’t make it, as she had a previously scheduled engagement at the House of Blues Sunset to see George “Corpsegrinder” Fisher’s band Cannibal Corpse . I’d have to say that the magic show wasn’t nearly as loud as the “music” played at Marukan’s “concert”, but it was far more entertaining and there were fewer puking audience members.