Monthly Archives: October 2007

Would somebody please put me out? I seem to be on fire…

The Wages couldn’t wait to carve up their pumpkin for Halloween.

This guy looks like he could be one of us

I should have been able to guess the results of their handiwork! 

Pumpkin Wage!


Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can’t be beat

Halloween guidelines according to the note from school:

  • Children need to be able to use the restroom without adults needing to unbuckle, unzip or otherwise assist children with their costumes.
  • NO SCARY, BLOODY or GORY costumes allowed.
  • No fake blood or knives sticking out of children’s heads is acceptable.
  • No plastic swords, sabers or plastic guns are allowed.
  • No masks.
  • No candy.
  • Halloween guidelines summarized by Obi-Wan:

  • Nothing fun is allowed. If you think of something fun, forget it, because you can’t do it. I don’t see why we have to be concerned about the little kids being scared of anything, because we wouldn’t walk within 30 feet of those savages in the first place.
  • Woo-hoo! We got ISO-9001 certified!

    My friend The Bin Man learned of my affinity towards Macs and set aside two G3 towers and a late-model 14″ iBook for me. The iBook has a cracked LCD, but I hooked it up to an external monitor, powered it on, hacked in to the password-protected account and was alternately happy and depressed that it had better specs than my own laptop. The battery even holds a charge longer than my mine!

    As for the towers, all I have to say is – people, people, people. Please remove and/or erase the hard drive data from computers you’re throwing out. Plus, there’s no real need to keep three years worth of e-mail, is there? Even if it’s work-related, I think it’s OK to delete the history of co-workers mailing you to ask if you can send Patrick over to their office to hang up a picture or replace the light bulb. I don’t even work with you and I know where all the FedEx mailing supplies are kept. I also agree that it was poor judgment on Jasmine’s part to schedule the monthly birthday celebration at the same time as the production meeting, but there was no need to send that catty e-mail to Erika.

    Can I interest you in an early-model SCSI card?

    Say, can I split your top and butter your buns?

    On the phone with CK:

    Me: I got a Flickr mail saying someone had made me one of their contacts, but I didn’t recognize the name.

    CK: What’s up with that?

    Me: I clicked through to the profile, but he didn’t have any of his own pictures. He’s just a member of a lot of groups. Then it had a “since this guy doesn’t have any of his own pictures, here’s a sample of his friend’s pictures” thing and there was a close-up of some fellow’s backside with an unmentionable sticking out of the orifice. I didn’t need to see that at eight in the morning and at work.

    CK: Can you go ahead and send me that link?

    Me: …

    Canadian Rules football is much different

    The University of Kentucky football team just lost to Mississippi State.


    It’s overly embarrassing for the Wildcats, because MSST has only won a single SEC game this year.

    And it was TODAY.

    And it was UK’s Homecoming Game, so the loss was played out in front of all those alumni who had travelled miles to sit in the stadium with the other 70,000 people.

    I think I’m going to skip watching the remaining three games on the schedule.

    Dear Agent Scully, did not like the tone of your lawyer’s letter…

    I have a Norm Swain-related bit of good news. Good news for me, not necessarily good news for Norm.

    The attorney’s office referenced in the last post called again. This time I recognized the phone number and answered the call.

    Me: Hello…

    Attorney: Hello, this is Mr. X, attorney for Patenaude & Felix. How are you today?

    Me: Oh, I’m just fine, thanks. And how are you?

    Attorney: I’m fine. Could I please speak to Norm?

    Me: Norm Swain?

    Attorney: Yes.

    Me: Norm hasn’t had this number for eighteen months, but I can give you the name of his business partner and you might be able to contact him that way.

    Attorney: Do you know where Norm is?

    Me: Dude, I don’t even KNOW Norm, but I know the name of the movie he’s working on and who he’s working on it with, so I’d say that’s a place for you to start if you’re trying to track him down.

    Attorney: Yes, I’m very interested in tracking him down… but if you don’t know him, how do you know this much about him?

    Me: I have this website. And when I started posting Norm’s voice mails, I was under the impression that maybe he’d Google himself, you know?

    Attorney: …

    Me: Google himself and discover that someone has his old number and then he could go about getting the right number to everyone. But instead, his business partner called and I posted THAT voice mail and THAT guy Googled himself and found all the Norm Swain posts and threatened me with legal action because I was making Norm look bad financially by saying all these creditors were calling for him.

    Attorney: Defamation of character lawsuits are always won on the truth, so you would win that legal action.

    Me: Yeah?

    Attorney: Yes. If you write that I called for Norm, and there’s proof that I did call for Norm, and you have that proof on your phone bill and I have that proof on my phone bill, then the business partner has no case. You can write what you like.

    Me: !!!

    Sessions presents: Faces of Death

    A year and a half ago, I walked in to a Cingular store and bought a new cell phone. I was assigned a phone number and my phone began to ring before I had even given the number to anyone. All the calls were for the fellow who previously had the number. It was handy that he had cancelled his number with Cingular and freed it up for me, because I got to deal with all of his creditors. Boy, does he have LOADS of them!

    After a couple of months of playing secretary for this guy, I started blogging the calls for laughs. You may remember a brief feature called “Phone Message for Norm Swain” in which I related who called, what they wanted and the number to call back. I received a nasty letter from one of Mr. Swain’s associates. He threatened legal action if I continued the posts, because they made Mr. Swain “look bad financially”. Even though I think Mr. Swain does his own good job of making himself look bad financially, I complied and removed the posts, because the associate said everything was going to be straightened out.

    Since eighteen months have passed since I received this number, you’d think that would be plenty of time for Norm to give his NEW NUMBER to people. Apparently, I must be the impatient type, because I’m STILL GETTING CALLS FOR NORM SWAIN.

    And it’s not just industry people calling up asking for jobs or to chat about parties – though that’s been rather exciting when a call comes in from a stunt man from Scrubs, because I really like that show – no, it’s the pet hospital letting him know that the medicine is ready for his two dogs and he can come get it at the front desk. Wouldn’t you tell your PET HOSPITAL your actual phone number?

    The worst call was when I was trying to transfer at O’Hare in Chicago and my plane was delayed and I was trying to get to my father’s funeral and I answered the phone and it was a lady from Hertz saying that Norm’s rental car was overdue and asking when he’d be returning it.

    I tell all the creditors that he no longer has the phone number, but they don’t believe me. They think I’m covering for him. Him and Kelly Ferguson, who has also been giving out my number of late and apparently buys a lot of mail-order medication. At this point, I think I know more about Norm than he knows about himself.

    Today heralds the return of “Phone Message for Norm Swain” – destined to be a regular feature for the rest of my life (or the life of my phone), I fear.

    “This message is for Norman Swain. This is the law office of Patenaude & Felix, litigating for creditors. Please return the call at 1-800-832-7675 and you can reach us at extension 7615.”

    So I sing you to syntho-sleep after the techno-love

    The 80’s Flashback Dance Mix was playing at PF Chang’s. Fortunately, I couldn’t hear most of it because the conversations of the other patrons was loud enough to drown out the sound system. In the ladies’ room, however, there was no escape from the speaker blaring, “Oh, Sheila”.

    As I sat and listened to a song I thought I’d never have to hear again, I decided that I should turn around my negativity. I tried to think up a reason “Oh, Sheila” was a good song and I concluded that without songs such as this, there would have been nothing for teenagers to skate to at the local rollerdrome in the 1980’s.

    I then blamed the music of the 1990’s for single-handedly dealing the death blow to rollerdromes everywhere.