Monthly Archives: November 2007

How I Spent My Thanksgiving

While everyone else in the United States was flying across the country or driving for hours or desperately defrosting the turkey for 27 invited family members that they’ll speak to with barely disguised seething rage through clenched teeth but they wouldn’t dare skip seeing out of the year-long induced guilt trip that would result, I did the following:

I) Slept until noon.
II) Lounged on the couch for a couple of hours with my dusty Balzac.
III) Long shower.
IV) Around 3:30, rang up China Wok and asked for three orders of chicken fried rice and one order of chicken chow mein to be delivered.
V) Once the food arrived, artfully arranged the included plastic tableware next to everyone’s foil pan of food.
VI) Three hour nap.
VII) Watched MST3K episode of Starfighters with the The United Servo Academy Men’s Chorus.
VIII) Watched JFK, which is one extraordinarily lengthy film and should be started before 10 PM if you want to go to bed before 3 in the morning. Just FYI for next year, is all I’m sayin’.

Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional

Here’s how it started.

Yesterday, J1 says to me, “Front Desk Guy and I are going to buy Pregnant Co-Worker a cake for her last day tomorrow. Do you want to go in on it?” I’m all, “Sure. That sounds like a great idea. Are you getting her a gift?” He says yes, but it’s not like a group gift, so FDG and I are on our own.

About an hour later, The Boss says to me, “OMG! PANIC!! Did you know it’s PCW’s last day tomorrow?? We must scramble to DO SOMETHING for her!!”

What began as a cake and small gift affair expanded exponentially into a 20-person luncheon that *I* was responsible for organizing. There aren’t even 20 people in the office! We were importing people from outside the building!

My list ran as follows:

Bay Cities Italian Deli – Two 26″ party sub sandwiches; one tuna salad, one turkey. Send runner to pick up at noon.

Pizza Hut – Four large pizzas; one Pepperoni Lover’s, one pepperoni/sausage, one ham/pineapple, one sausage/jalapeno. To be delivered by Pizza Hut at noon.

Ralph’s – Six 2-liter bottles of soda; two Coke, two Sprite, one root beer, one Diet Coke. One large bag of ice. Send runner to pick up at 11 AM.

La PanaderĂ­a – One baby-themed sheet cake, inscribed with “Congratulations PCW!” Send J1 to pick up at 11:30 AM.

Costco – One case size 1 disposable diapers (fend off complaints from the environmentalists) and one carton baby wipes. Send runner to pick up at 10 AM.

Miguel’s Cousin’s Flower Shop – One balloon tower, ordered at the last minute (but not paid for) by the Director. Send Miguel right now to beg for “family discount”.

Santa Monica Aviary Rentals – One live stork; available for two hours only. Handler included.

Gas Station on the corner – Two large bags of potato chips (one regular, one sour cream and onion) to fill void left by lack of pizza delivery.

Speaking of the pizza delivery!! The pizzas were to arrive at noon, yes, yes? Well, at 12:20, I called Pizza Hut to inquire about the status of the delivery. The manager assured me that the driver was en route.

At 12:40, I called Pizza Hut to inquire about the status of the delivery. The manager was surprised that our pizzas hadn’t been delivered and said that I could “take ten dollars off the price” when they DID arrive.

At 1, the delivery driver rolls up, tires burning and tells me that there’s a random traffic stop going on at the intersection and that he went around it and waved at the officer and then the motorcycle policeman pulled him over and accused him of giving him the finger and he’d argued that he’d given him his whole HAND and his manager didn’t say anything about ten dollars off, but he’d believe me.

At 2:30, the manager at Pizza Hut CALLED ME to ask if the driver was still with me, because he’d *never returned to the store*.

Winter Weather Update

I finally broke down and lit the furnace today. I held out as long as could, but the outside temperature had plummeted to 65 degrees! Fahrenheit!

The new Chrysler Fury… the car that thinks it’s a house

Q: I need you to help me buy this car.

Me: What kind of car is it?

Q: It’s a 2004 BMW.

Me: Do you know how much the oil change costs for that car?

Q: Yes.

Me: You can’t afford it.

Q: Sure, I can!

Me: Not if you’re asking for help to buy the car. And just think of all the service calls! What about all the time it’s going to be spending in the shop for all that unscheduled maintenance?

Q: I thought I told you to help me buy this car!

Me: I am helping! I’m talking you out of buying it! Look how much money I’ve already saved you!

Q: …

They’ll never notice this bug the size of an Epilady

This morning in the shower, I reached up in to the window ledge for my razor. My hand stopped in mid-air as I noticed that something was walking on it. I stood on my tiptoes to peek at the ledge and realized I was just in time to witness the Ant Highland Games. By the looks of things, all the competitions were in full swing.

There was a group of ants marching up and down what can only be described as the parade grounds. Around the perimeter, some ants were dancing, some were wrestling in groups, and some were at a concession stand staffed by a long-dead spider.

I filled up a cup with water and rinsed out the spectators before the caber toss began.

The army just called and told him never mind

98% of the phone calls that came in today went like this:

Front-desk Guy: Hello?

Caller: Are you open today?

Front-desk Guy: Yes.

Caller: Why? It’s Veteran’s Day.

Front-desk Guy: …

The other 2% of the calls were hang-ups and wrong numbers.

Were these people calling to confirm that “everywhere” is closed on Veteran’s Day? And since we were open, that wrecked their bet with Cousin Frank and they lost $6000 and so felt obligated to argue with us? If we’d been closed, they’d have been angry about that, too.

Front-desk Guy started to wear down from all the calls by mid-afternoon. I think some of the people were calling again just to confirm that we were STILL open. I told him to take a break after I heard him say, “Yes, we observe Veteran’s Day. We just don’t observe it by taking the day off work.”

Health Update

Just dig a hole and put me in it.

Ah, he’s found Ben Stein’s Money

Achiever Wage was excited to hear that the Coen Brothers had made another movie. You know how he is about The Big Lebowski – he can repeat all the lines of dialogue.

He begged to go with us to see the sold out sneak preview of No Country for Old Men at the Aero Theatre last night. I’m pretty sure he thought it was a story about retirees who demand that the local radio station play their favorite music on the air between 6 AM and 3 PM.

It was a mistake to take him. He spent the entire film fiercely gripping my hand and sobbing all over my shoulder. I don’t think he saw half the film, what with his hands over his eyes as the body count (which is ample!) piled up.

As soon as we got home, he ran for the hugs of the other Wages. Poor guy.

Please take Hardened Movie Critic Wage next time! {sob!}