I should just rent out a room to the local police, since they show up my house so often. And I didn’t even do anything this time! Whenever police should be called, like when my neighbors host all-night boozing parties and shouting matches and disturb my personal peace, the authorities are always noticeably absent.
Today’s incident began when I posted an item on Craigslist in the “Free Stuff” category. I’ve posted things for free before, and there’s a fair number of flaky responders. There are people who say they’ll be “right over” and never show. From experience, I know to ignore the first five respondents, because those are the trolls with a lot of time on their hands.
Once I’d confirmed that a reasonable sane older gentleman would be stopping by around midday, I readied the item in question. A truck drove slowly past the front of the house and I assumed my “buyer” had arrived. Out in the courtyard, I could see him walking up the sidewalk.
Like so many others who have walked up that same sidewalk, he stepped face first into an enormous spider web and began flailing. The web’s occupant was unimpressed by the catch of the day and started rebuilding. My buyer eventually calmed down, located the spider, took off his right shoe and started swinging it. While the spider was slowly beaten to death, I continued to stand behind the gate and watch the scene unfold.
I opened the gate for my buyer after he’d put his shoe back on. He apologized, but really… for what? He checked out the item and said that he needed to go home for a hand truck. He said he’d be back in fifteen minutes.
Five minutes after he left, the police were at my door. Five minutes! I never get that kind of response when I call for actual emergencies.
The officer said that they’d received a call about a truck driving slowly up the street, and that a confused looking man emerged once the truck had been parked. This man then walked over to this address and began acting agitated – pointing at the sky, shouting, and even taking off his shoe. He walked in and came back out very quickly, got back in his truck, made a U-turn and sped off.
I explained the situation to the officer. He laughed and we agreed that the only crime that had been committed was a Spider Homicide.