Monthly Archives: December 2008

Increase blood flow to your prefrontal cortex and elsewhere

Pushkin's LootMy mother rose from her sickbed long enough to mail me a box of Christmas gifts. Inside was a gift bag for the cat, so now we know he’s truly a member of the family.

I was a bit concerned about the hamster-shaped catnip toy, because I didn’t want to encourage that kind of aggressive behavior against the other housepet. The cat took the toy from me, licked it to death, then fell asleep in a catnip-induced haze.

Dr. Kawashima says I have the brain of a 60 year old, so that certainly answers my question about why I’m getting all that particular spam email these days.

Phone Call From My Mother, Part 189

Me: Hello?

Mother: Weren’t you going to call and check on me?

Me: I was starting to wonder what was wrong when I didn’t get three e-mails from you yesterday.

Mother: I can’t email you if I’m dead.

Me: You wouldn’t be answering the phone if I called and you were dead, either.

Mother: Oh, yes, I would’ve answered the phone if I knew who was calling.

Me: …

I JUS’ BAWDEEZ FUCKEEN CAR LASS WEEK!

Me: May I speak to Mr. Flores?
 
Lady: Mr. Flores isn’t here. He’s out of town. 
 
Me: Oh.
 
Lady: He’s out of town indefinitely.
 
Me: Does he drive a black Escalade?
 
Lady: Yes. Why?
 
Me: Because one of our drivers just hit his car outside the house and spoke with someone claiming to BE Mr. Flores.
 
Lady: Hang on. I’ll get him.

One on’t cross beams gone owt askew on treadle

Tasty tacosLast Thursday, there was an event at work and everyone was expected to take part. To encourage attendance, the event was going to be catered.

You may be thinking to yourself, “But, Scooterdeb… how is that different from any other day of the week when a caterer can be found delivering breakfast and lunch to your workplace?”

And I would say to you, “This time the food is for the rest of us.”

The caterer arrived early and set up the five foot long charcoal barbecue grill we keep on hand for this annual outdoor event. He brought along two helpers – one to grill the chicken, steak and hot links, and the other to crank out the freshly made tortillas.

I don’t know what a hot link is, other than something that’s forbidden at most photography sites, so I opted for two steak tacos with guacamole and no cheese.

If I were running the event, I’d go ahead and have the speeches start while half the people had gotten their food and the other half was still in line. Captive audience, and all that. Alas, I’m not in charge of that kind of thing. This is probably just as well.

Our manager saw that people had finished eating and had begun to leave, so she panicked and rushed to the front of the carport to tell everyone to stay. Some people stopped leaving and some rejoined the others in line for the third time.

After telling everyone to pipe down, our manager loudly announced, “Today we are gathered here to celebrate three things. The first thing is our annual safety awards. The second thing is our annual holiday party.”

The crowd was restless and murmuring, so our speaker attempted to reengage the audience by requesting their participation.

“Does anyone know what the third thing is?”

I said loudly, “Bob’s birthday?”

Everyone shouted, “Happy birthday, Bob!”, people were clapping him on the shoulder, Bob was thanking everyone and then the crowd burst in to a rousing rendition of the birthday song.

Our manager resumed, “OK, we are gathered here today to celebrate four things…”

All I could think of was, Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”