Monthly Archives: January 2011

We’ve got flashlights and a dark space, let’s make a movie!

{Check it out!! I found this in my Drafts folder! It’s been sitting here since January 15, 2010! That’s super crazy because I had already moved away from the place in question in October 2009. You’d think that after all this time, the post would be perfectly edited, but no… I’m just going to post it as is 🙂 }

After my discovery that my neighbor was telling the landlady that she couldn’t sleep at night because my security light was on and her telling me that she worked nights, I looked her up on Facebook. I found out that what she did at nights wasn’t really what you’d call traditional work.

When she said she worked nights, I had images of her working at a hospital or police station or ambulance service. Instead, it turned out that she “worked” improv at various open mic nights around the county.

We discussed the security light. I told her I was concerned about the security of the place, since my bicycle had been stolen from my front door and my front door was blocked from the street AND we lived in a place with locked gates and access codes.There was no reason for it to have been stolen, because no one should have ever seen it. She said she needed her sleep at night.

I called the landlady to tell her I really wanted the security light back because it was pitch black outside my door at night, which made it difficult to even leave the apartment to walk to the trash enclosure without taking a flashlight. She said she decided that she would install “Blackout Blinds” for the neighbor before having the light fixed. I figured that would end badly, since the neighbor wasn’t interested in using anything – not even sleep shades – to BLOCK the light. She just wanted NO light.

It was bad enough when I had to deal with the college-aged… how do you say… “douchebags”… that lived upstairs, and the three partying bachelors vomiting in the common area, but now I also had to put up with basic crazy.

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Way to defeat Satan, honey.

Awesome! I compared my current results with the same test I’d taken June 19, 2003 and I’ve upgraded myself from the third level of Hell to the second level! Huzzah!!

The Dante’s Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Low
Level 1 – Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful) Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous) Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Moderate
Level 6 – The City of Dis (Heretics) Low
Level 7 (Violent) High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Moderate
Level 9 – Cocytus (Treacherous) Moderate

Take the Dante’s Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee?

There was only one guy working at the 7-Eleven this morning. The whole store. So there was a gang of people standing around waiting at the coffee because not all the flavored ones were brewed. They had to wait for him to check out customers, then come over to make coffee, then go back to the cash register.

Yesterday, there was a lady a the coffee bar who kept hollering, “Hey, Tennessee! Tennessee!” at an obviously homeless guy who was walking around with a blank stare on his face. She muttered that he must be looking for something. He looked in the freezer. He looked at the gift cards. She finally went over and made eye contact with him and said, “Hey, Tennessee!” and he said he hadn’t seen her there.

This morning the same lady was across from me, waiting for the blueberry coffee to brew. There was a rough-looking guy next to me and he said to her, “I heard you set up Tennessee.”

She said, “I didn’t set him up. He was waiting for me when I got out to my car and he jumped me.”

He said, “I heard what happened. You set up Tennessee and then you called the police.”

She said, “I didn’t set him up. He was waiting for me when I got out to my car and he jumped me.”

He said, “I heard what happened. You set up Tennessee and then you called the police.”

And then I went to the counter to pay for my coffee and lottery tickets because I didn’t have time to overhear that discussion over the course of the rest of the morning.

Joel! How can we possibly survive in a world that keeps giving us constant images of Hell?

Oh! My house keys! I found them in the passenger seat of the car! They’d slipped off the carabiner… this isn’t the first time. Maybe I need to rethink my key carrying device.

Whaddya know — we aren’t at war with Eurasia!

Before I left for my holiday time off, I cleared everything off my desk so as not to tempt anyone into thinking up a reason to go through it. I didn’t bother locking any cabinets or drawers, because that just encourages people.

Ha! All my forethought was for naught! The excuse this time was that “no one could find the credit card”.

Even though it’s in the same blue folder above my head and everyone has seen where it lives.

But their inability to find it gave them reason to thoroughly search my entire desk “two or three times”, according to the reports.

I told them later that they were free to go through my desk at any time; they didn’t have to wait for me to take time off.

In other news, my house keys have gone missing…

No springs? I don’t care. There’s still butter and meatloaf.

Back to work tomorrow after a whole glorious week of loafing.

My new plan is to not care in 2011. I was going to adopt a motto of “Why ask why?” but that’s already been done.

Honey, why do we have an oven in the living room?

As I passed the 7-Eleven on my way to church this evening, I thought how much more enjoyable Mass would be if they allowed you to bring in your own coffee and maybe non-alcoholic beverages. They could install cup holders in the backs of the pews for your convenience.

Monsignor only name-checked two celebrities during the sermon (the Dalai Lama and Maria Shriver), which is an unusually low number.

After the service, I stopped back by the 7-Eleven to get a coffee and a lottery ticket. I was told the lottery was paying out something like 220 million dollars, which should be enough to put a small downpayment on a fixer-upper. Some random people were sort of camped out in front of the coffee section, eating nachos and hot dogs. They had all their food laid out strategically to block anyone who wanted the sugar-free hazelnut syrup and chocolate creamers.

I made my way towards the cash register with my two single dollar bills and asked for a lottery ticket in addition to the coffee. The clerk said my total for the transaction was $2.79.

The heck??!? Coffee is 99-cents between noon and midnight, and the lottery ticket is a dollar.

No, he said. The coffee was $1.79, because I’d gotten the extra-large and besides, that 99-cent promotion was over. A new promotion, two donuts for 99-cents, had taken its place.

I skipped the lottery ticket and bought only the coffee.

Once I got the coffee home, I accidentally spilled the entire contents of the cup all over the living room carpet.

I should have gotten two lottery tickets and no coffee.