Honey, why do we have an oven in the living room?

As I passed the 7-Eleven on my way to church this evening, I thought how much more enjoyable Mass would be if they allowed you to bring in your own coffee and maybe non-alcoholic beverages. They could install cup holders in the backs of the pews for your convenience.

Monsignor only name-checked two celebrities during the sermon (the Dalai Lama and Maria Shriver), which is an unusually low number.

After the service, I stopped back by the 7-Eleven to get a coffee and a lottery ticket. I was told the lottery was paying out something like 220 million dollars, which should be enough to put a small downpayment on a fixer-upper. Some random people were sort of camped out in front of the coffee section, eating nachos and hot dogs. They had all their food laid out strategically to block anyone who wanted the sugar-free hazelnut syrup and chocolate creamers.

I made my way towards the cash register with my two single dollar bills and asked for a lottery ticket in addition to the coffee. The clerk said my total for the transaction was $2.79.

The heck??!? Coffee is 99-cents between noon and midnight, and the lottery ticket is a dollar.

No, he said. The coffee was $1.79, because I’d gotten the extra-large and besides, that 99-cent promotion was over. A new promotion, two donuts for 99-cents, had taken its place.

I skipped the lottery ticket and bought only the coffee.

Once I got the coffee home, I accidentally spilled the entire contents of the cup all over the living room carpet.

I should have gotten two lottery tickets and no coffee.


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