Monthly Archives: April 2011

Her pencil’s gone again…

This is an example of the usual exchange I have at the office every morning.

Me: Do you have your heater on?

Queenie: No. It’s hot in here.

Me: It sure is. If I’m hot, then y’all must be roasting.

TAOW: Are you hot?

Me: Yes.

TAOW: Do you think it’s because you have your blinds open and the sun is coming through the window?

Me: No, I think it’s because the thermostat says it’s 79 degrees in here.

TAOW: Oh… is it? {shuts off space heater}

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Women are pulled apart like fresh bread

I just got an email from Vegetarian Times telling me what to do with all the stale bread that’s leftover after all the dinner parties I hold.

Maybe I could take their ideas and apply them to the stale bread that’s leftover at the end of the week, dinner parties notwithstanding.

One of the suggestions was putting the bread in some kind of soup. And it wasn’t even onion soup!

All these solutions to problems I didn’t know existed…

How can the angry shape know all this about me?!

The Pierley/Redford Dissociative Affect Diagnostic

Though quiet on the outside, you are often the hidden hero; someone who rushes in when needed and then after the emergency is over fades back into the woodwork. Because of this sense of duty and honor, you can also on occasion be rigid in your viewpoint and unyielding in the face of other ways of thinking. Usually cynical and rarely trusting of others, you maintain a small set of intimate friends. These bonds are stronger than most. You are always grounded in the present moment. Your close bonds can also lead to clique-ishness and a tendency to gossip about those who are deemed less worthy. You are an integrative thinker, collecting data from a wide range of sources and applying it to your worldview. You can become overly task-oriented. In stressful situations you often withdraw from the world to seek peace in contemplation. You often seem cold and withdrawn. Often you will withdraw rather than verbalize your discontent.

Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can’t he just show them a *pie chart* or something?!

It’s off-season for our running club, but many of the pace groups still meet up on Saturday mornings for a short run of ten to twelve miles. The number of people running is greatly reduced from the throngs that showed up during regular training.

Since the groups as smaller, people tend to move around and socialize. It’s almost like a two-and-a-half hour therapy session because so much talking and soul-searching takes place.

Today, our group started off with ten people and ended up with only four at the very end. The other six people turned back or turned off the path at different points. Near mile seven, our group was running two-by-two… a little box of four.

I was in the back with a lady I knew by name, but hadn’t spoken to beyond a random, “Good morning” or “Man, isn’t it crazy cold out here this morning?” She asked me what I was doing next Sunday. I told her that I guessed the family would go out to eat someplace for Easter. She invited me to “celebrate the Armenian Genocide”.

Surely I’d misheard. Why would anyone celebrate genocide? I tentatively asked how one goes about celebrating the Armenian Genocide. She said that everyone gathers together and marches over to the Turkish Embassy to stage a protest in order to force the Turkish government to stop denying the Armenian Genocide.

I half-jokingly asked her if we had to throw rocks or anything and she gave me a bit of a glare. I admit that I’m not up on a lot of historical events… not even on those that apparently are very well-known.

Next, I asked her if she grew up in Armenia and I guess that was my second chance, because all the Armenians were deported to other countries and she grew up in Lebanon. Our mentor told us to stop talking politics. That was a relief, because I had no idea what I was talking about and it was nice to get back on track with our discussions of sexual intercourse positions, yeast infections, the pros and cons of marijuana, and whatever else it is that women talk about in their spare time.

I love ya, Liz baby! But I love groceries more!

I just now discovered that Cillit Bang is an actual product and not a made-up phrase.

We had a big party at work the other day. It wasn’t catered, because we couldn’t afford a caterer. At least, that’s what they said. To me, it would be preferable to pay a caterer $500 to drive over and do all the grilling than to reimburse someone $500 because they picked up all the food at Costco. The Costco food gets cooked on our own grill with mixed results, i.e., various degrees of charring.

People from other divisions showed up and helped themselves to double helpings of sirloin burgers and hot links, Caesar salad, potato salad, grapes, strawberries and assorted beverages. By the time I was able to get through the line, my plate contained one half of the last turkey burger (I shared the other half with the guy stuck at the grill), two strawberries and six grapes.

It turned out that there wasn’t a lack of meat… it was a lack of time to grill all the meat. There was definitely a shortage of everything else.

The lady that picked up the groceries planned to take the unused food back to Costco! She said they take everything back! You can take back one slice of a sheet cake and say that you didn’t like it and they’ll refund you the full price of the cake. I don’t see how they stay in business!

She took back packs of buns AND packs of frozen hamburger! How do they know we didn’t thaw them out and refreeze them? Surely they don’t resell food that gets returned. I hope.