Say, do you want to make people’s heads explode? Sure, we all do.

I want to apologize for blog slacking over the last year. I blame Facebook, really. I do!!

Before Facebook, my big gaming outlet was Puzzle Pirates. I was a ship captain! I took crews out on voyages to Atlantis and we split the loot when we returned to port! I was paying for a subscription, which meant that I was on my boat almost every waking hour of the day.

Then I found out that there were games available FOR FREE on Facebook. I’ve played them, and now I’m done with them.

I’m not going back to Puzzle Pirates as a subscriber, but I can certainly find something else to do with all my free time.

For laughs (or “for the craic, hi”), I’m going to post something each day during the month of August. I want to see how quickly I can burn out myself and my two readers. Har!


Personally, I can’t get enough sheet cake

Years and years ago, I wrote ON THESE VERY PAGES about my Birthday Club woes. I never seem to end up on the right side of that equation at work.

I have managed to skirt the issue over the past four years, but only because my workplace had no Birthday Club. Whenever it was someone’s birthday, at least one co-worker remembered at the last minute, rushed to the boss to announce the information, was given Petty Cash and told to pick up two expensive cakes from an exclusive bakery nearby.

One of the two cakes was for the birthday person and would be made of their favorite flavor combinations of cake, filling and frosting.

The other cake was always a white cake with fresh strawberry filling and whipped cream frosting. That cake was for The Angry Old Woman, since she didn’t trust the other flavors someone might choose.

Everyone could choose a slice from either cake, but we made sure TAOW got her massive portion before anyone else was served. If there were any leftovers of the white cake, she took them home. The birthday person was allowed to take home any leftovers of “the other cake”.

Now I have a new workplace and there IS a Birthday Club. There is no option to decline membership and each co-worker must “donate” one dollar per month towards the purchase of a single sheet cake per month. All the birthdays for the month are celebrated at one time with one cake and everyone is invited to attend the “party”.

The first month I was here, I was out of the office at an off-site meeting when the Monthly Birthday Party took place.

This month, the event was on my Outlook calendar and I received a reminder to attend at 2 PM. I walked over to the conference room at 2:05 PM and looked in to see ten people out of the hundred employees eligible to participate. They had intense stares on their faces. I saw they were looking at the July Cake, which was decorated as an American flag. A woman was slicing the cake. I walked away.

At 2:15 PM, I wandered back to the conference room. The room had cleared out and the cake had been removed from the table. There was no leftover cake in the kitchen and no evidence of anyone eating cake at his or her desk.

It was as if it never happened.

Come on! I’m cookin’ a pizza on the engine block!

I just looked up “electric spatula”. I think it isn’t a kitchen appliance. It looks more like a home improvement appliance… that darkens my features.

I was hoping that people were actually plugging in a spatula that automatically rotated to flip their pancakes and hamburgers.

Must be Samuel Johnson with a baguette…

If you have an ebook reader, can you turn a virtual page, look terrified and then try to slam the book shut in fear?

For a robot, he’s got a really flat butt

I stopped at 7-Eleven for a coffee refill. Before I entered the store, my option was to answer the man approaching on my left, asking if I could spare sixty cents, or to take a flier from a man dressed as the Statue of Liberty.

The same two cashiers were inside, but they didn’t annoy me like they had done before…

The lady cashier was standing there obviously eavesdropping on a woman who was blathering on into her cell phone at the newspaper rack.

The other guy was working the register and he managed to conduct the entire transaction without ever speaking to me. He rang up the coffee and looked at me. I handed him a twenty, he took three fives and four ones from the drawer, fanned them out to show me it was the correct change and then handed it to me.

Maybe he’s a mime.

So, you can just take a sharp left turn in space…

When I was a kid, they sold “Space Pens Like the Astronauts Use” at the Kennedy Space Center gift shop.

I couldn’t figure out when I’d need to be writing anything upside down underwater, plus they didn’t sell paper you could write on underwater, so I didn’t buy one.

No zombies. Not allowed.

I like how on the Office Supply Ordering website, you’ll find a product with a blue box announcing “BEST BUY!!!!” and then when you try to add it to your cart, you get an alert that says, “Your purchasing department has placed restrictions on the purchase of this item. If you would like to purchase this item, please contact your Purchasing department”.

Why even put those products out there and give me false hope that I can order something?

You know what burns my butt? A flame about this high.

I was wondering if there’s some sort of exam a person has to pass to get hired on at a printers. Would it be a written test? Surely it would be more about how to operate the machinery. Questions like,

“Printing Press #4 erupts in flames and threatens to engulf Printing Press #5. Do you:

1) Run screaming from the building.
2) Quickly shift the print queues for Press #4 and Press #5 to Press #1 and Press #2, respectively, before attempting to extinguish the flames with the supplied red canister.
3) Send a typo-ridden email to 911 requesting assistance.”